In The Courage to Heal and Allies in Healing, Davis helped millions cope with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Now she tackles another emerging issue: reconciling relationships sundered by betrayal, anger, and misunderstanding Acknowledgments xiii A Special Preface to the First Edition xix Introduction: The Path of Reconciliation 1(10) PART ONE PREPARING THE GROUND Growing Through the Pain: Estrangement, Time, and Maturity 11(18) The Pain of Estrangement The Roots of Estrangement One Disappointment at a Time In Order to Reconcile, the Wound Can't Be Too Fresh Growing Bitter, Growing Sweet Life Shapes Us Rachel Thomas: Flying to My Sister's Side Death as a Teacher The Lessons Children Bring Maturity Allows Us to Embrace Paradox To Everything, There Is a Season Building a Self: The Importance of Autonomy 29(20) The Importance of Boundaries When Injuries Are Unforgivable Dana Roper: Returning the Gift He Gave Me When It's Time to Move On Kathleen Ryan: When Memories Are Disputed Establishing Terms of Engagement The Difference Between Reconciliation and Capitulation Finding Clarity: The Task of Discernment 49(44) What's Happening Now? What's My Role in This Estrangement? What's the Bigger Picture? Bridging the Generation Gap What Is the Other Person Capable Of? The Changes Were Going to Have to Happen Inside of Me What Kind of Person Do I Want to Be? Sharon Tobin: Choosing Compassion for a Dying Parent Does This Relationship Warrant Reconciliation? A Personal Decision Sara and Tom Brown: Facing a Broken Marriage Believing That People Can Change Different Circumstances, Different Choices How Close Do I Want to Be? Am I Prepared to Deal with the Outcome? Elizabeth Menkin: She Owes Us a Life From Discernment to Action PART TWO MARSHALING YOUR STRENGTH Taking the First Steps: Gathering Courage 93(29) Gary Geiger: Facing the Man Who Shot Me The Courage to Face Uncertainty Wendy Richter: Sometimes It's Enough for Things to Be Just a Little Bit Better Fear Doesn't Have to Stop You What Am I Afraid Of? First Steps Taking the First Step Slow but Steady Wins the Race Taking Risks Gradually The Courage to Face Yourself Kay Kessler: Growing a New Relationship The Courage to Change The Myth of the Cowardly Lion Persistence Over Time: The Importance of Determination 122(43) Being Resolute in Your Goals Beth Tanzman: I Just Had to Find Him Responses and Rejoinders Miriam Gladys: Making Amends to My Children Seeking Help Where You Can Find It Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Bruce Stevens: Creating Detente in the Family Expecting the Process to Have Ups and Downs Deciding to Let Go of the Past Kate Gillen: Fighting over My Father's Will Creating a New Future Together Establishing New Ways to Connect Bridging Distance, Getting Closer Honoring Everybody Involved Spiritual Strength Leads to Determination Azim Khamisa and Ples Felix: Victims on Both Sides of the Gun Reconciliation Is a Choice PART THREE OPENING THE HEART Communication That Furthers Closeness: The Role of Listening and Honesty 165(43) It Was Better Not to Talk About It Barbara Newman: E-Mailing My Brother After Thirty Years The Relationship Between Honesty and Discernment Choosing to Focus on What You Have Now Mindfulness and Honesty Paul Howerton: Deciding Not to Talk to My Father Hearing My Mother's Story We Needed to Talk About It Kate Howard: Creating a New History Learning to Listen An Opening of Doors Shawnee Undell: Receiving My Mother's Story The Marriage of Authenticity and Kindness Richard Hoffman: Half the House Another Profound Truth Melodye Feldman: Bringing Palestinian and Israeli Girls Together When Honesty Changes the World Recognizing Our Shared Humanity: Finding Compassion 208(35) Discernment with Heart Antonio de la Pena: Washing My Mother's Hair Compassion Begins with Acceptance Learning to Live with a Broken Heart Facing Mistakes with Love Compassion Comes from a Place of Wholeness Sometimes Just a Little Is Enough Compassion as a Choice Marc Levy: Understanding ``The Sorrow of War'' Bringing Together the Ultimate Enemies Armand Volkas: Bringing Together Children of Holocaust Survivors and Children of Nazis The Road from Revenge to Compassion: Six Steps That Can Change Enemies into Allies This Work Is About the Future Acts of Reconciliation: A Sharing of Poetry Compassion Moves Out into the World PART FOUR MAKING AMENDS Taking Responsibility: The Role of Humility and Accountability 243(22) The Price of Pride Acknowledging Your Own Weaknesses Taking Stock, Looking Within Celia Sommer: Letting Go of Being Wronged Learning to Apologize The Role of Remorse and Respect From Apology to Action Pete Salmansohn: Choosing to Get Close Again The Accountability Continuum The Courage to Admit a Wrong Franklin Carter: A Violent Man Changes His Life The Healing Power of Accountability Accountability Leads to Self-Respect The Question of Forgiveness 265(30) Forgiveness as Something You Work At Forgiveness as a Spiritual Gift Forgiveness as Something That Requires Accountability Rabbi Steven Fink: Responding Compassionately to Hate Forgiveness as Something That Happens Unilaterally The Trouble with Pseudo-Forgiveness Resolution Is Possible Without Forgiveness Vicki Malloy: Rebuilding a Relationship with My Perpetrator Are Some Things Unforgivable? A Personal Decision PART FIVE FINDING PEACE When Reconciliation Is Impossible: The Task of Letting Go 295(16) Accepting That the Relationship Is Over Letting Go When You Don't Know Why the Relationship Ended Peggy O'Neill: it's in Her Hands Now Letting Go Is a Process Helen Meyers: I Can't Force Him to Open the Door Leaving the Porch Light On Pam Leeds: Compassion from Afar The Opposite of Estrangement When We Meet Again: The Benefits of Reconciliation 311(7) Enjoying the Pleasures of Recovered Love Reweaving the Web of Community Reconciliation Leads to Peace Reconciliation Rekindles Optimism A Deep Sense of Peace Free Reconciliation Newsletter 318(1) Appendix A: Are You Ready for Reconciliation? 319(4) Appendix B: Ideas for Reflection and Discussion 323(10) Index 333